Very important and true facts

Here are some very important facts which I thought it was, to be honest, my absolute duty to share with the internet. You may know these facts, you may have your own similar ones or you may feel totally enlightened by this list. It’s anyone guess really.

1. When it is your period (guess this is a fact for girls only. If you are having a period as guy: something is very wrong. Seriously. Stop reading this and seek medical attention), when it is your period it is ok to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD. It may be a cliche but dammit it’s a true one. In fact, it’s ok to eat all the foods. Really, all of them. Snacks are your friend in this turbulent time.

2. If you buy Jack Daniels sauce and it reveals itself to be a totally different product to the Jack Daniels sauce you get at Harvester: do NOT add actual Jack Daniels to it in the hope that ‘all it was missing was a bit of an alcohol kick’. This is incorrect and will lead to nothing but sadness and pain (like, seriously, it’s a kind of burning sensation in your throat).

3. It’s fine to instead just drink some Jack Daniels. (Now I’m wondering if if I mention it enough they’ll give me some for free. I should just start listing alcohols. There’s a thrilling blog post.)

4. Kids’ cereal is the best cereal. It’s a simple fact. Also, if you try to be grown-up for once and buy adult food such as Maltie Wheaties (not their real name) all you’ll really achieve is knowing what eating potato sacks is like.

5. Cheese is the best food.

6. (I just realised these are pretty much all about food. Fact 6 should probably be ‘apparently I’m obsessed with food’. But it isn’t) You should always be wary about men with a surname that is really just a first name. Like Pete John. Or Jim Andrew. Whatever. Just be careful, it’s proved true many a time – I’m open to being proved wrong about this but, you know, so far I haven’t been.

7. Apparently it still totally counts as camping when there’s electrical plugs and hair straighteners. I am doubtful.

8. It’s really hard to keep coming up with facts even though the world is FULL of facts. This may be due to the painkillers. Mind you, they may have written this entire post.

9. The world is mostly floor. Think on it.


I take the plunge and return

Hello (shouting into the vastness of the internet, who knows if this will be heard?)!

I’m back. I am sooooooo bad at maintaining things like this! But I have to keep trying to improve.

This time I’m back because I’m finally dealing with my issues and in a round-about way, this is connected. This is my homework – writing, that is. So I thought this would be a good place to start.

A lot has happened since I last blogged. I’ve just spent a few minutes reading through all of my old entries (yeah, it didn’t take long). In summary this blog has been haphazard but I did make myself laugh! So at least someone’s laughing.

I hardly know where to begin now. I think I want to improve the blog. I need a snazzy design and more memorable (and spellable) name… and I need a THING. A BIT. Or something.

I wonder if I should start a whole new blog and leave this where it lies? For ‘Crimineaux’ is it’s name now and will that name ever catch on? People can’t say it, people can’t spell it, it’s not even a real word. Hmm.

For now I’ll just keep writing though. Writing and writing because writing is it’s own medicine. As are most creative things for me. I went away from that and I don’t think it did me any good. SO I must do it again! Here goes….


I wait, buzzing with nerves, on the edge of a precipice. On one side lies, I think, happiness or at least the potential for it. On the other there’s just some pain, some sadness.

Each also has a doorway; an opening marked ‘A New Phase in Life’. I don’t know yet which route I’m going to be taking. That decision was taken out of my hands after I, in a rush of emotion followed by clear-headed determination, set off this chain of events last night.

And so I wait. I think I know what is more likely and try to prepare for that outcome. I honestly don’t know what the best result is though, I know what would feel best right now but beyond that?

‘No one is ever told what would have happened’ says Aslan to Lucy in ‘The Voyage of the Dawn Treader’. For some reason that quote has always stuck with me. Once again, it is relevant.

What happened a year ago

There’s a lot in my mind at the moment. A whole muddle of new beginnings, old reconnections and ongoing confusions.

The only thing I can handle dealing with now is an old reconnection. To explain that I have to go back to last night… and to explain last night I have to go back to September… and to explain September I have to go back to one year ago, a little house just down the road from where I live now…

I had moved home in the May of that year. I was 2 thirds of the way through my degree course. Various events meant that staying where I was had become rather impractical and inconvenient (probably another story for another time) so I decided to transfer to a very similar course in my home town. After a lot of badgering and repeated explanations (yes I have studied this so I will be able to follow your course. Really, I HAVE!) the university finally let me in.

Now I just needed somewhere to live (I could have stayed with my parents but I get on with them so very much better when we all CHOOSE when to see each other) and, as luck would have it, a ‘vacancy’ appeared. One of my friends (who had just graduated) lived with her boyfriend in a house owned by her stepdad. Unfortunately over the summer, the boyfriend had turned a bit… strange. Personally I had never liked the guy but my friend E did so I had kept my mouth shut. Long story short: their relationship was not going well. He moved out and they agreed to give it one more try. This left her alone in a house big enough for two. The spare room became my room, I brought in my furniture and together we re-arranged and even re-decorated. We were both pretty excited – neither of us had really lived with a friend before.

At first it went damn well. We got on brilliantly, we had loads of fun… and then things changed. We both began to get annoyed with each other often. Things just didn’t seem to run smoothly any more. I felt like she’d become rude and distant. I don’t know what she thought about me. I would guess she thought I was inconsiderate. I didn’t agree.

The first step on the road to ruin was probably the moment when I said ‘How would it be if my parents’ insane cat moved in with us?’ and she said ‘That’s a great idea!’

It wasn’t a great idea. She had never had cats before and this cat is… well. He’s a bit unusual. He’s always been nervous and twitchy so I wanted to keep him in for a while or at least let him out when supervised just to make sure he wouldn’t run away. E thought he smelled. Bad. To be fair he did use his litterbox A LOT.
To this day I maintain that that cat does not smell. I have proof from everyone else who has even been near him: he does not smell. I am very concerned about cleanliness in general and I was pretty miffed about the whole thing. The dam broke when she texted me to tell me she didn’t want the cat any more. He’d been there less than 3 weeks.

We fell out. I was hurt that she didn’t want my cat and that she couldn’t even tell me in person. She was… I don’t know… very anti-cat.

Looking back it sounds strange and silly perhaps. At the time it was big. I think we’d have fallen out anyway. It just happened that that was the ‘thing’.

December came and life at home didn’t improve. Tensions were riding high and I had the feeling that everything could explode at any moment. As though we were just waiting for the trigger. We had previously been part of the same friendship group although she had very much lost touch with everyone (by her own choice). I still saw my friends and wanted them to come round.

I casually invited 3 friends round for an evening of board games the following week. Nothing big, nothing loud or boozy. Board games for goodness sake. I let E know immediately. The next day we put up our Christmas tree. During this time ‘friends’ came up and E decided to let me know that she didn’t like my friends and didn’t want them to come round. She also demanded that I ask her permission before ever inviting anyone round.


Another Interlude

So. I hadn’t realised what a long story my boyfriend tale was. I reckon it’s probably best if I continue to break it down into chunks – that was the way it really happened after all. Weekly two hour sections are an… interesting way to start a relationship. I remain undecided as to whether it is a rather good way (lots of getting to know you, limit on weekly pressure due to time constraints) or a very bad way (it can be painfully drawn out – I’ll try to ensure the retelling isn’t!)

Anyway, in the news department: I recently acquired a job! Yay. I graduated this year and (after chilling pretty much all summer) I’ve been looking for while.

Starting this week I’ll be working for a national clothing chain. I’m somewhat looking forward to it but I’m also somewhat terrified! It’s pretty different from anything I’ve done in the past so I don’t really know what to expect. We had an orientation last week which involved watching over-dramatic videos about safety and shop-lifting. They kept showing rows of merchandise and then one would fade out quickly and the whole picture would turn black and white while intense music played. So, you know. Don’t shop-lift. That’s the message there.

Anyway! It should be good. I do actually really like the shop and it seems like quite a pleasant place to work – the manager that did the induction was really keen on emphasizing employee safety and whatnot so that was nice.

In other news: it’s one month til Christmas! I am aware that is probably not news to people but I am quite excited. I love Christmas. It’s the glitteriest time of the year: what’s not to like?

I shall be off now, just wanted to do a news update post tonight. Proper service (I do intend to post every other day) will resume shortly. Things to expect: me freaking out about my meeting with a friend who I drastically fell out with this time last year but am now trying to reconnect with, me freaking out about the ongoing confusion of men in my life, me not freaking out the glittery, snowy joy that is the Yule-ish season, me freaking out about what on earth to get people for the culmination of said season. Also, I guess, me using long words and peculiar sentence structure. But that’s just business as usual really.

I just published this without a title. I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t like it.

So this blog has been on a brief hiatus due to the most fearsome cold I have had in a very long time. I’ve coughed some much my stomach hurts. It’s beyond ridiculous.

On the plus side I recently acquired a job. So that’s good. I was off my head on cold medication when I went for the interview last Saturday so I was pretty surprised I hadn’t buggered it up in some bizarre and frightening way.

It’s a ‘for now’ job, something to earn me a bit of money while I work on wider plans, career stuff and so on. It’s in a clothes shop, which is kind of unexpected really. But I think it’s better than me trying to do an office job again. Now that was a bad time.

One of the questions in the interview was ‘What trends do you think are ‘in’ at the moment?’ That does happen to be something I kinda know about. I don’t think you’d expect it if you knew me but I find it amusing to be able to go ‘Cupcakes? So over. It’s whoopie pies now people’. Even if I just think this in my head ’cause no-one ever really seems to raise the concept of cupcakes being in or not with me. Whatever. I amuse myself.

Anyway, my interest in this shizzle fluctuates. So when he asked, I couldn’t think of a single thing that was in. My (male) friends had suggested this would be a question and proceeded to do comedic impersonations of my potential answers – during this time of mocking I did shout ‘METALLICS ARE IN. PROBABLY.’

This was the only thing that popped into my head. I said it. He looked at me expectantly. ‘And… deep colours, now it’s autumn, things like SIENNA’ He nodded, looking pleased. I felt a bit more confident and opened my mouth again ‘And for men I’ve being seeing a lot of…’ A lot of what brain? Trousers? Shoes? And then into my head popped an image: before the interview I sat in men’s shoes, waiting (and I mean the department, not that I was wearing men’s shoes or that I had found a giant pair and climbed inside) and happened to glance around at the clothes. For a split second I saw a tweed jacket with leather patches.

‘I’ve been seeing a lot of tweed and leather!’ I finished triumphantly. He nodded some more and made agree-ey noises. I don’t know whether he liked what I was saying or whether he just wanted me to shut up. Maybe he thinks I’m a fashion genius.

Either way: I got the job. Now all I want to know is whether leather and tweed really is in for men this season?

A brief interlude…

Before we finish the tale of The Guy I Liked.

I’m just writing really because I can’t sleep. I’ve always been rubbish at sleeping… unless it’s the morning and I need to get up. I could go pro then.

I used to be crap at that too when I was a kid. I remember my parents talking about having a lie in at the weekend and I thought ‘Why on earth would anyone want to do that? Why would you want to miss part of the weekend?!’

I supposed a parent-mandated bedtime and the thrill of it not being a school day were massive contributors to that feeling.

When I was a baby apparently I barely ever slept. It appears that old habits die hard. It must have been hellish for my parents: sorry guys! I now understand the joys of sleep. Sometimes.

On the plus side, being awake at this ridiculous hour (it’s nearly 5 am) does mean that I’ve found out the results of the US election. I don’t know why but it’s kinda nice knowing this early. Everyone else will wake up to it. I was there a half hour after it was announced in America.

I wonder if Americans find it odd that Brits (and probably the rest of the world) are so interested and informed about their politics? I mean the US is obviously rather powerful in the world but I think it’s also partly the drama of it. The politicians there seem larger than life. It seems exciting, it seems dramatic. Having seen ‘The West Wing’ helps – I think I understand the workings a bit more.

The huge contrast between the two parties is fascinating as well. In Britain our politicians just seem like various shades of grey. Personally and politically. The last election was somewhat more interesting as the third party actually seemed to have a chance for, what seemed like, the first time ever. It was the most exciting thing to happen in the Houses of Parliament since Guy Fawkes tried to blow it up, I expect.

Said party of course turned out to be lying, spineless jerks in the end. But for a moment, just a moment, we had real excitement in British politics!

But America? I am so glad you chose Obama. Thank you.