Very important and true facts

Here are some very important facts which I thought it was, to be honest, my absolute duty to share with the internet. You may know these facts, you may have your own similar ones or you may feel totally enlightened by this list. It’s anyone guess really.

1. When it is your period (guess this is a fact for girls only. If you are having a period as guy: something is very wrong. Seriously. Stop reading this and seek medical attention), when it is your period it is ok to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD. It may be a cliche but dammit it’s a true one. In fact, it’s ok to eat all the foods. Really, all of them. Snacks are your friend in this turbulent time.

2. If you buy Jack Daniels sauce and it reveals itself to be a totally different product to the Jack Daniels sauce you get at Harvester: do NOT add actual Jack Daniels to it in the hope that ‘all it was missing was a bit of an alcohol kick’. This is incorrect and will lead to nothing but sadness and pain (like, seriously, it’s a kind of burning sensation in your throat).

3. It’s fine to instead just drink some Jack Daniels. (Now I’m wondering if if I mention it enough they’ll give me some for free. I should just start listing alcohols. There’s a thrilling blog post.)

4. Kids’ cereal is the best cereal. It’s a simple fact. Also, if you try to be grown-up for once and buy adult food such as Maltie Wheaties (not their real name) all you’ll really achieve is knowing what eating potato sacks is like.

5. Cheese is the best food.

6. (I just realised these are pretty much all about food. Fact 6 should probably be ‘apparently I’m obsessed with food’. But it isn’t) You should always be wary about men with a surname that is really just a first name. Like Pete John. Or Jim Andrew. Whatever. Just be careful, it’s proved true many a time – I’m open to being proved wrong about this but, you know, so far I haven’t been.

7. Apparently it still totally counts as camping when there’s electrical plugs and hair straighteners. I am doubtful.

8. It’s really hard to keep coming up with facts even though the world is FULL of facts. This may be due to the painkillers. Mind you, they may have written this entire post.

9. The world is mostly floor. Think on it.